Keeping the news channels in rotation is an easy way for me to keep up on the news as I work. A funny story making rounds is John Kerry's new election night strategy: To declare himself the next President if there are any disputes in the voting nationwide.

This strikes me as extremely funny, to declare vistory before all the votes are counted and resolved. But if John Kerry can do it, why can't I? I AM THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

To shed some light on your next four years, here are a few of my administrations goals:
Congress will be relocated to Puerto Rico. They will be kept their under armed guard until the new administrative buildings can be built. During construction, Congress will not be able to hold session, so my administration will assume their responsibilities. Due to the complex nature of the construction, building completion is not projected to be finished until 2078.
Under my first act of Presidential Congress, I will bestow land (probably Florida & Georgia) upon Alan Greenspan, who will be formally known as "Baron Greenspan". After all, if anyone deserves such a cool title, it's Greenspan.
"Love unions" will be established as an alternative to marriage. People of any sexual orientation can register with their partner under this new status, receiving the same legal rights as a hetrosexual married couple. Up to 3 consenting adults can commit to a single love union, but for divorce from one of these unions requires all your material possessions be distributed equally.
JU bloggers will have the oppurtunity to write Government press releases (aka 'propoganda') for my administration. Salaries start at $90k a year.
Flat tax rate for everyone: 15% across the board, regardless if you make $10 a year or $10 million a year.
The United Nations will be kicked the hell out of New York. The United States will then claim the Antartic as its 50th state. We already have 50 states? Read on...
Farmers will no longer be paid to not grow food, but instead paid to grow food. Grains, beans and other produce will be offered on the international market at drastically reduced prices to select countries of my choosing.
All weapons bans will be lifted on firearms. It will become illegal to produce ammunition for public purchase. This will cause the cost of a bullet to skyrocket... you can shoot someone, but you better be able to afford it. This would make it to costly to commit robbery, as the cost of ammunition would outweigh the potential gain.
California, Kansas and Wisconsin would be legal drug zones.
I would start a war with Texas, probably by ordering troops from San Antonio to go urinate on the Alamo by the thousands. Texas needs to be a seperate Republic, and anything I can do to encourage this is a step in the right direction.

Oh, you can forget about election 2008 having more than a single canidate. The electorial system will stay in place, but anyone running for Presidency other than a sitting President will have their citizenship revoked and shipped to the Antartic. All hail President Deadzombie!

Thats all for now... a big thanks to John Kerry for showing me that I CAN BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES without an actual full counting of the vote. Remember to write me in this November!
Comments
on Oct 20, 2004
I would start a war with Texas, probably by ordering troops from San Antonio to go urinate on the Alamo by the thousands. Texas needs to be a seperate Republic, and anything I can do to encourage this is a step in the right direction.


Honor the Texas flag.

I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas.

One and indivisible.

Parts of your plan are quite good . . . unfortunately, as Texas goes, so do I. (You can keep Bush)

Great post, zombie. I enjoyed it.
on Oct 20, 2004
Thanks Tex! Of course, once I have achieved all my administrative goals, I would empty the Federal Reserve into Texas's government for amnesty. Then I would retire as a Texan.
on Oct 20, 2004
Now THAT is great plan.
on Oct 26, 2004
Deadzombie for President!!!

I am a little unclear on your stance for "unions" for up to three people. Would that be a love menagerie? Is there any limits to the sexes of the menagerie?

If you get your republic in Texas, can Alan Greenspan be our reserve chairman with a life tenure and can I be the first lady?

Love the post.
on Oct 26, 2004
MAO @ deadzombie

Good stuff!

- GX
on Oct 26, 2004
Baron Greenspan will be busy retiring... of course he will be available to Texans for advice, but at a price.
The "Triple Unions" are for freaks and deviants... they need something to keep them busy. After all, they want marriage so badly, lets give them an extra person just for full measure.
And yes "iamheather", you CAN be the first (and only) lady! (everyone say hi to my wife!!!)
on Oct 26, 2004
BTW, funny nobody ,mentioned that Kansas will be a legal drug zone. I hate Kansas, have you ever been there? Its just cornfields as far as the eye can see. What a horrible place.
on Oct 26, 2004
I find it remarkable how idiotic this thread has been.
on Oct 26, 2004
Congress will be relocated to Puerto Rico


Then will Puerto Rico became a state too? And I want New York City to be part of New Jersey (this almost did happen.) And have the Boston Red Sox banned, and GE be the only company in the US. and I'm the Govener of the Federal American Repblic of the Empire of New Jersey and well, that's enough for now.
on Oct 26, 2004
Hell, you've got my vote, and why not? I'm an incredibly good propagandist.



Reply #8 By: dahveed323 - 10/26/2004 7:21:46 PM
I find it remarkable how idiotic this thread has been


Well geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, killjoy, we can't beat each other up on EVERY thread.

I want to be Duke of the Subcutaneous Dominion of Canada. They're under our skin all the time anyway.
on Oct 27, 2004
I find it remarkable how idiotic this thread has been.

Having a bad day dahveed323? If you need help, I can refer you to a professional for free.
I want to be Duke of the Subcutaneous Dominion of Canada. They're under our skin all the time anyway

Oh, Canada is so going to regret ever letting Michael J. Fox invade the USA. If there is anything left of the "Great White Bombed to Hell and Back North" when I'm done with it, you can be the 'Duke'. Eh?!