Keeping the news channels in rotation is an easy way for me to keep up on the news as I work. A funny story making rounds is John Kerry's new election night strategy: To declare himself the next President if there are any disputes in the voting nationwide.
This strikes me as extremely funny, to declare vistory before all the votes are counted and resolved. But if John Kerry can do it, why can't I? I AM THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
To shed some light on your next four years, here are a few of my administrations goals:
Congress will be relocated to Puerto Rico. They will be kept their under armed guard until the new administrative buildings can be built. During construction, Congress will not be able to hold session, so my administration will assume their responsibilities. Due to the complex nature of the construction, building completion is not projected to be finished until 2078.
Under my first act of Presidential Congress, I will bestow land (probably Florida & Georgia) upon Alan Greenspan, who will be formally known as "Baron Greenspan". After all, if anyone deserves such a cool title, it's Greenspan.
"Love unions" will be established as an alternative to marriage. People of any sexual orientation can register with their partner under this new status, receiving the same legal rights as a hetrosexual married couple. Up to 3 consenting adults can commit to a single love union, but for divorce from one of these unions requires all your material possessions be distributed equally.
JU bloggers will have the oppurtunity to write Government press releases (aka 'propoganda') for my administration. Salaries start at $90k a year.
Flat tax rate for everyone: 15% across the board, regardless if you make $10 a year or $10 million a year.
The United Nations will be kicked the hell out of New York. The United States will then claim the Antartic as its 50th state. We already have 50 states? Read on...
Farmers will no longer be paid to not grow food, but instead paid to grow food. Grains, beans and other produce will be offered on the international market at drastically reduced prices to select countries of my choosing.
All weapons bans will be lifted on firearms. It will become illegal to produce ammunition for public purchase. This will cause the cost of a bullet to skyrocket... you can shoot someone, but you better be able to afford it. This would make it to costly to commit robbery, as the cost of ammunition would outweigh the potential gain.
California, Kansas and Wisconsin would be legal drug zones.
I would start a war with Texas, probably by ordering troops from San Antonio to go urinate on the Alamo by the thousands. Texas needs to be a seperate Republic, and anything I can do to encourage this is a step in the right direction.
Oh, you can forget about election 2008 having more than a single canidate. The electorial system will stay in place, but anyone running for Presidency other than a sitting President will have their citizenship revoked and shipped to the Antartic. All hail President Deadzombie!
Thats all for now... a big thanks to John Kerry for showing me that I CAN BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES without an actual full counting of the vote. Remember to write me in this November!